PTSD - a double-edged sword

For some of you, the diagnosis PTSD might come as a relief. You might have felt, maybe for years, that something isn’t right. You might have seen several doctors, maybe even received treatment that didn’t help. Now that you have the diagnosis, you are one step closer to getting your life back on track. It will still require some searching - but at least you now know where to start. 

However, for some of you the diagnosis will come as a complete surprise – maybe as a result of a routine examination or assessment. I’ve seen it happen. And you will think “what the f*ck … - there's nothing wrong with me”. (Though you won’t say it out loud ...)

If it doesn’t feel right for you, please don’t just accept it.

For all medical or psychological conditions, there are guidelines to follow in order to arrive at the diagnosis. But with mental health issues like PTSD it is not necessarily as clear-cut as diagnosing high blood pressure (and even that can be a challenge …), especially if the assessor isn’t following the guidelines. And I have a feeling there are political interests behind getting the number of people who are diagnosed up at the moment.

If it doesn’t feel right for you, get a second opinion.

Talk the person who did the assessment and ask. They can’t just throw that at you and not talk about possible next steps. You wouldn’t accept that if somebody had told you that you have cancer, would you? But, you know what? The feelings you now experience might be pretty similar … (“It can’t be me ….”)

Then go away and talk to somebody else. If a doctor told you that you have a serious illness and are about to die – you would seek a second opinion, wouldn’t you? So why accept the label PTSD if it doesn’t feel right for you? You might find out that there is, indeed, something to consider. Most people who work in that area hopefully take their job and responsibility very seriously. But even if it isn’t, in a very sublime way carrying that label might have an impact on you. You might suddenly act differently. Even feel differently. Because something inside of you will keep nagging “… maybe …”.

Please talk to someone about it! And, whatever the result, it doesn’t mean you’re crazy!

What you guys have been through, will have left an impact. Whether it is "serious", whether and how much it impacts on your life, whether or not it requires treatment - that can't solely be decided for you.

And if you do feel you would like to talk to someone, I can point you in the right direction.

PTSD - my favourite poem "Darkness"

I feel really moved that the amazing people behind the website http://healmyptsd.com have published another one of my poems on their blog. It is one of my personal favourites, and I've copied it below.

Some people who've read it have said that it's depressing - but I think they simply don't understand. Reading it again now, I would say it speaks of hope ... and of understanding without the need to talk.

What do you think ...?

Darkness

In the middle of the night you’re suddenly awake.
Was there a sound?
Was there a light?
You cannot say.

You feel something rise inside you.
Slowly, very slowly.
You feel trapped.
You cannot breathe.

Your eyes accustom to the dark, but nothing stops
the darkness
that takes over
your inside.

There is no way you stay in bed.
You’re restless now,
try to escape,
but you can’t run.

You hear the sounds inside your head,
the volume lowers
in the light.
But now it’s dark.

I try to tell you, you are not alone.
Please let me help,
please don’t push me
away.

You turn around, you’re shaking now.
I fight back tears.
Tonight you need
my strength.

In a few hours, daylight starts again.
Meanwhile I lead you
back to bed and hold
you tight.

I know you better than you think.
Your body talks and
within short you
fall asleep.

I still hold you when daylight breaks.
I stroke your head,
we have survived
another night.

PTSD - a poem

Yesterday, I had my first poem published - on a website aiming to help people suffering from PTSD. While I don't wish to endorse that page just yet, it provides a positive outlook with lots of free resources, and that has to be good news.

You can read my poem by following the below link - and, if necessary, scrolling down to 1st April.

http://healmyptsd.com/ptsd-blog


As always - please feel free to leave your own comments.

Having a bad day?

We all struggle with life sometimes. But we might not always understand just what it is that makes us struggle.

We struggle with new situations; with challenges for which we are not prepared. And it feels worse if we think that others are seemingly dealing with it so much more easily. Don't let yourselves be fooled - some of us are just better at keeping up appearences than others; and that isn't always a good thing.

Filling in an application form doesn't get your adrenalin going the same way pre-deployment exercise did. Sitting alone in front of a computer can't give you what training with your mates has given you.

You are going through a major change in your life - having a bad day every now and again is okay. Even if you've been through combat and back - the struggle in civvie street can still get to you; especially if you've not been given enough training and guidance

Do you know what the most stressful life events are - outside the combat zone?

• major changes in one's financial situation (gaining as well as losing money);
• additions to the family
• personal illness or injury
• illness or injury of a close family member
• children leaving home
• changes to one's job (not just losing it)
• family / relationship issues
• going on holiday
• moving house
• separation from a partner
• retirement
• being made redundant
• death of someone close

The above is deliberately not in any particular order - but ask yourself: How many of the events in the list apply to you? How many have you gone through in the past year?

There is only so much you can do in order to prepare youself. Moving house might become easier once you've done it for the forth time - but it's always stressful. The third broken bone doesn't make medical treatment less stressful. And the death of someone close - well, I don't think I'll ever get used to it.

Even changes which we choose to make will be stressful - but coping is much more difficult when we did not choose the change; for example, in the case of losing one's job. But you can do something about it:

1. Accept that it is okay to have a bad day, occasionally, even if there might not be any one particular reason; sometimes we simply need to recharge our batteries and refocus.
2. Don't try to keep up appearances - you will eventually act it out on the people around you; which is the last thing you want.
3. Talk about what bothers you. Just because you no longer belong to a regiment doesn't mean you're now on your own.

It's amazing how many like-minded people you can find via social networking - people in a similar situation; people who have been there before; people who can help. Talk to them.

If you struggle: Don't blame yourself! Don't think you have to manage on your own!


If your "bad day" turns into a week - if "bad days" keep recurring - or if you experience physical symptoms which begin to interfere with your life and which you did not experience previously: please talk to your GP urgently.

Be proud of yourselves

Every time I talk to one of you guys, what strikes me most is how modest you are.

I'm only now beginning to understand how difficult it is for you to "sell" yourselves when looking for a new professional future. You are used to operate as part of a team. Everybody is pulling his / her weight; and if you're not playing your part, you might well become a danger to the others.

Now you're on your own. Squaddie - Captain - Colonel - Brigadier - you all have one thing in common: What you took for granted is gone. You need to find a new way of looking at your previous career and translate it into something a civvie can understand.

That's a tough call for the toughest among you.

You need to find a way to strike a balance between being too modest and showing off.
It can be done, it has been done. You're all smart enough to get there. But it will also mean saying farewell to things that were important to you, and which might not be of immediate use in civvie street. That's a painful process.

Therefore, I would like you all to do me a favour and pause, just for a moment:
Please make a conscious effort, every now and again, to pad yourselves on the shoulder and be proud of who you are and what you have achieved.

It's easy to get lost in the new challenges and the apprehension. Yes, there is a lot you won't feel comfortable with. At times, you might feel you won't manage it all. But you will. You have already achieved more than you might be aware of at times. Being proud of yourselves doesn't mean boasting - it means recognising that there is value in what you have achieved and in what it has taken you to get there. And it will add confidence that the challenge you're facing now is not unsurmountable.

Can you trust a civvie?

Trust is essential in all organisations - but even more so in the Military. Decisions have the potential of lethal consequences - so you need to be able to trust those making decisions. In combat as well as in training, you need to be able to rely upon each other. There's little personal advantage to be gained; you're in it together. Everybody knows his or her place; understands what has to be delivered. The roles are clear - you know what to expect of each other, and what is expected of you. There's a whole system of rules and roles which has been tried and tested for generations. When you join the Forces, you join this history. You become part of it, and you learn to trust it. You know where you stand.

Not so in civvie street.

We are much more geared to being individuals - "fitting in" is not our main concern. Often, hierarchies are not well defined; roles and responsibilities are fluid. Though we adjust to the organisation we work in, we generally also quite enjoy challenging it. Some consultants suggest we need a lot more of not doing things the usual way, of thinking outside the box for organisations to survive.

To somebody who has just left the Forces, it must appear as if we were all fighting each other, each defending their own, individualistic causes. I don't think we are. But for a service leaver, it must be confusing: the lack of structure, protocol, procedures. We do have rules, of course, but not so much for how we interact with each other. "I'll get back to you tomorrow" could mean "if I don't forget" / "if I find the time". We will hardly ever assume that anything we do or promise is critical. Of course, decency would expect of all of us to deliver; to show respect to one another. But don't be too surprised if occasionally it doesn't happen.

If civvies have proven unreliable - does this mean they can't be trusted? In some respects, this would seem to be true. Some of us can't be trusted to deliver. It also means we can't be trusted to understand what it means to you - to be able to rely on what we say.

Whoever is reading this and still willing to give us a chance: We are not all the same. By all means be careful and take your time - but don't assume the worst of every single one of us. Give us a chance - because I'm convinced that we can help each other in making this transition successful for you.

Leaving the Forces - feeling lost

Don't get me wrong - many servicemen and women will leave the Military with plans for their future, will know where to go an so so successfully. People have joined and left the Forces for generations. But have these transitions really always been so smooth? Have the problems not maybe always been there - and it's only now that we start talking about them?

What guidance or advice will you have been given? Hopefully, once you have been through resettlement, you will have some answers to questions like

• How do I write a competitive CV?
• How do I prepare for an interview?
• Which jobs should I go for?
• What qualifications will I need?

Based on stories I hear, I assume that not alll the answers you can come up with will be satisfactory. So keep asking!!! I am in touch with service leavers, and some of the things we discuss will eventually find  their way onto this blog.

But there is one aspect for which resettlement will not have prepared you. I suspect that, in many ways, advisers shy away from this, maybe think it is counter productive - some of them will paint  a picture that is too rosy and optimistic.

Let me resort to the words of someone who has been there - because, as you know by now, I haven't. I leave it to you to decide whether this is an exception, or whether some of this rings true for you:

I don’t miss the RAF. I felt nothing handing my kit back and a similar feeling of ‘meh-ness’ handing my ID card over. The job I could take or leave. But just the people. People who share an outlook like you. Who share a way of thinking, and who share the same strange, stupid, macabre, self-depreciating, downright sick sense of humour as you do.

Alex Ford - http://rafairman.wordpress.com/



How do you prepare for that? Maybe you can't - but, then, maybe you can. If the people who provide advice were a little bit more honest - and were more willing to try and understand what this particular transition is about.

The Military has prepared you for combat before you ever went out. There are people who can help prepare you for this challenge as well - people who understand the impact of change, of redundancy, of uncertainty - particularly when it is involuntary. (Alex, if you read this - unlikely as it is - please do let me know how you get on ...) There is no area in civvie street which will feel like life in the Military. But it's not the end of the world, either! Consequently, there is something you will miss. It might take you a while to come to realise it - maybe a clash at work, an argument in a pub.

If you read this before you leave - whoever offers you advice: ask questions! Don't take anything for granted. Don't believe it when anybody says it's going to be easy. But, likewise, there is no need to panic.

The difficulty will be to navigate through the many, many people and organisations who offer advice. Don't let it scare you off - the one thing you cannot afford is to be complacent. You have very little to lose - and a lot to gain. In civvie street, most of our decisions won't have disastrous consequences when things go wrong. So be patient with yourself when some of it feels like failure - that's how we learn and grow.